The Lance Report

Lance Wilkinson - JimmyHill.co.uk favourite

09/09/02Bad Attitude

Hi there Lance-fans, you've caught me in a really bad mood today, i'm so mad i almost forgot about Amy Greenwood for a second. 'Anyway Lance, what's the source of this emotion' i hear you cry, well its this, the front cover of TV Week magazine.

It claims in big bold yellow lettering that I; Lance Wikinson formerly of number 22 Ramsey Street am a homosexual. After all my sexual conquests as well! The cheek, wait till this gets out to those love-birds Toady and Dione-i'll never hear the end of it. Actually I can't remember the last time i spoke to Toadfish. He hasn't returned a single call for three years, neither has Joel come to think of it and that restraining order Amy took out against me doesn't run out until next year. Woe is me, all I have in the world is a nerd-bird called Dorothy and a mortal enemy named TV Week magazine.

Now I need my revenge. If only Madge wern't dead she'd know what to do. What would Joe Scully do in this situation? I see he now has his own agony Unlce job on this very site, I think i'll probably write into that. Anyway all i can say Lanceonians is Boycott the TV Week, and always come back to Lance - the original and best, and nowhere near a poof, unless there's one near my house now and if there is its nothing to do with me, goodbye.

Written by Mr Lance Wilkinson esq.

Pick of the Week (09/09/02)

Mungrel of the week	TV Week Magazine - nuff said Special mention: That Craig Benson - he's up to something i can feel it in my waters. Hes hiding Mrs Kennedy I know it
Babe of the week	Mrs Kennedy at 16
Minger of the week	Mrs Kennedy at 61
Storyline of the week	Mrs Kennedy's memory loss, i know she's hot but she dont look 16

(23/06/02) - The wedding of the century

Woohoo, they said it wouldn't happen, they said i was long gone, but no Lance-fans, your leader from the planet 'Wilko' has returned to give my very individual impression of the current status of the world, and more importantly Urgon 7 of the 5th Neptude. But before I get to that you obviously need to know what i think of the only thing important happening on earth at the moment the marriage of Steph and the evil genius Mark.

Now as we all know I've had my own wicked way with the eldest of the Scully sisters - oh yes, revelation of revalation its true, its true. She was in what Ilike to call my in-between phase that is in-between Amy Greenwood (sigh) and Trekkie extaordinaire Alana 'Dorothy' Trueman. Not a bad place to be if i may make a little joke. Anyway, to get back to my point, to have one Scully sister takes a phenominal spunk such as myself, but to have 2!? That Mark will have his comeupance, especially if Joe Scully's involved.

Next thing we know he'll be after Michelle, oh no she's got Irish pick-pocket extraodinaire Conner O'Neil at her side these days. Makes a differance from newly departed Leo Hancock hey, I always said those Hancocks wouldn't last, no staying power these new residents of Ramsey Street.

Anyway, time for me to leave so beam me up Scotty, here I go Lance-fans, to infinity and beyond!

Pick of the Week (23/06/02)

Mungrel of the week	Darcy Tyler hangs onto his spot, he is such a dog!
Babe of the week	Stephanie Scully - Babearama!
Minger of the week	Jade from BB3
Storyline of the week	Joe Scully losing his voice - television gold!

(05/09/01) - Horticultural Studies

Yes its me and I'm back, the Ramsey Street Sex Bomb has returned to woo the babes and amuse the rest of you with my interlect, wit and knowledge of horticulture.

That reminds me actually, who has taken over my gardening business while ive been away? I know Joel's got my Yute cos he needs it to look cool infront of Flic (Thats usually how I got my babes, cruising in the Yute that me and my brother Ben fixed). Ahh the memories. You know I just might go back to Ramsey Street on of these days except that after I left I kept getting these death threats about never being able to go back, still worth a try if only to see my old mates Toadie and Joel. Actually I think the threats were from Toadie and Joel, never mind at least I've got my Alana.

I hardly ever think about Amy Greenwood anymore, I asked her to marry me once you know. If she hadn't fallen for that scumbag mungrel Damien all would be well in Erinsborough, as it is im on an Alien adventure holiday with Mrs Spock; Alana 'Dorothy' Trueman, still it could be worse I could be going out with Hannah Martin. Always look on the bright side thats what my Mum always used to tell me.

Anyway time for me to go for another random amount of time, remember to check out my picks of the week below and feel the force of Lance wherever you are (except Ansons corner),

Goodbye, Lance Wilkinson esq

Pick of the Week (23/06/02)

Mungrel of the week	Darcy that man makes me so mad. 2 bonza babes and he still feels sorry for himself.
Babe of the week	Amy Greenwood - Ah, i miss her so
Minger of the week	Dione - she's thinner than alana, that must be bad
Storyline of the week	That annoying little brat from nextdoor going walkabout, boo, ruddy, hoo

(10/09/01) - Alien Investigations

G'Day loyal Lanceonians and welcome back to Jimmyhill.co.uk where I "Lance of Ramsey Street" reside writing my usual bonza column for your reading pleasure. Yes it really is me the Ramsey Street sex bomb has returned to woo the babes and charm the rest of you.

As me and Alana Truman supposedly travel America investigating everything nerd I am writing from home in Australia - yes thats true, shocking but true. Despite it seeming as if we left, we didn't. I'm lost trying to find Phil and my Mum and Anne but where are they? If you know e-mail me. I have had some unconfirmed rumors of Phil joining the flying doctors and Ruth as a nurse in Shortland Street. Any sightings, do not hesitate to contact me.

Lance's one-liners:

Why does no-one ever mention me anymore?
Joe Scully vs. The Eminems who would win in a rapping contest?
Can Karl Kennedy really cure you?

Thats all from me for the time being remember to let the force of Lance and if you're my mum can you raise my pocket money.be with you wherever you are in the world

(09/08/01) - E-Mail Me, Please, Someone

Well, its been a long time coming, but i have finally managed to put forward another column. At the time of writing my column alone has received the grand total of 68 hits- Very impressive i think you will all agree!!!! Still no e-mail's from any of you clowns so im guessing that im not as yet a cult figure, although with 68 hits, i surely cant be far off!!! But seriously, someone E-MAIL ME!. Not too much going on at present in the world of the big man, still on an outrageously long summer holiday from uni- with quite a bit of time still left aswell, unfortunately though absolutely nothing worth mentioning has happened, but still never mind!.

On an even lower note, since my last column lance has left neighbours!!! he had supposedly signed an exclusive deal with jimmyhill.co.uk to produce weekly in depth diaries detailing his alien catching expeditions, but as yet nothing. Personally I am shocked.

Jimmy still seems to be avoiding any kind of interaction with the public, choosing to keep his undoubted superior knowledge regarding the forthcoming football season to himself, an unusual decision but one that has to be respected.

Sorry to leave you all on a low but that's all I have to say really- sorry

Bigman

(25/06/01) - Alana

G'day everyone and welcome to the new Lance column where i provide my thoughts for the day, week or even year. As the biggest nerd on Ramsey street I thought it was vital for me to express my views on the current hard-pressed issues of the day, such as whether Joel and Flic should come out and whether Joe Scully should take on Dr Kennedy's sheep in a sheep shearing contest, that sort of thing.

I am off to America at the moment, me and my nerd bird Alana Truman (thats not her real name by the way). I met her in a comic book store where I fell instantly in love and have never looked back. She does have exceptionally large ears but thats just a side effect of wearing those Spock stick-ons all day.

That's all from me, Lance, e-mail me if you will and let the force of Lance be with you.

(03/04/01) - Give me one good reason

Hello everyone, its me Lance Wilkinson with my very own column on JimmyHill.co.uk. I have been given a licence to write about whatever i feel like and think that i can deal with some of the very most pressing issues of the day, so here it is my very first column!

As many of you might well know, me and Amy Greenwood are now history, she has run off with that scumbag, mungrel Damien. With me starting my own gardening business and Mum, Anne and Phil away this was all i needed. That is until i met Steph Scully 'and i know what they say'.....we get on great and everything is going swimmingly. My only concern is that Joe Scully will somehow interfere.

I have noticed that everytime me and my mates Toadie and Joel are in Lou's pub suddenly the same song always comes on. It goes a little something like this; 'Give me one good reason why i should go home again'. It annoys the fuck out of me. If anyone knows hoe to get hold of it give either me or Toadfish an E-mail.

Thats all from me, Lance for now, until next time bye.