About the Bigman

Bigman (real name unknown) is kind of like Wee Man from Jackarse but bigger. Living in an oversized upturned army helmet until the age of 21, having to sell his body for crisps, the Bigman was set free by a phantom wind that blew him into the wines and spirits aisle of a Stockport Tesco store. He was now set loose into the real world to fend for himself. That is until he found sanctitude by regularly attending the church of St. Jimmy of Chin on Saturdays at 3 O' Clock until a quarter to 5 (unless there is extra time).

Plans for the future include the naming of a cheese sandwich after him and the erection of a permanent memorial at Tesco Handforth Dean.

Every week we will be trying to get the Bigman onto Jeremy Beadle's You've Been Framed. We've followed him 24/7 with a video camera waiting for that television gold and he hasn't disppointed!

Remember kids: the Bigman is a professionally trained stunt man, do not try anything you see on this site at home, at school or abroad.

15/11/07He's back, he's still number one, he's Bigman!
Here are his views...

Well, who would have thought this? After nearly 4 years (This is just a random approximation of time, to be honest it could well be 10 years, or just 6 months. I really have no idea!) Big Mans Views is back!!

To be honest there has been a great deal of goings on since the last column, on which I’m sure the most loyal readers have missed my interesting and insightful views. And so as part of this column we will try and have a good catch up.

I have been to Scunthorpe and had a lovely fish and chip supper, erm well that’s about as interesting as it gets really.

About two weeks after I made my last entry on the website I went on a day trip to Blackpool. After wandering around the arcades and after losing all my pocket money to a one armed tattooed and bearded bingo caller in a toe wrestling contest, I decided to go for a pint in the Ships calf on the seafront. There I met a very mysterious looking man wearing a velvet coat. He was sitting quietly by the fireplace supping a pint of ale and eating a cheese pie.

I decided to go and have a bit of a natter with him as he looked a bit lonely. As he sat down he said something very strange “ Welcome Big man I have been waiting for you” As you can imagine this shocked me thoroughly, how did he know who I was or that I would be calling in on this cold and dreary Wednesday.

Well after I had recovered from the shock I sat down and asked why he had been waiting for me, ‘Because you weren’t already here’ he replied. Oh, I thought that made sense in the strangest of ways, so I decided to listen to what he had to say.

‘You are in grave danger’ said the velvety man. ‘You are being followed’. As we were in the middle of a game of follow my leader, and I was indeed the leader, this didn’t seem particularly strange, but there was something in his voice that suggested that he wasn’t the only one following me. ‘Who?’ I asked. ‘ The Gorilla like henchman of evil gambling genius Goran Stachiatello. A man feared across the world for his ability to crush an ant with just his foot, and even manage to squash a fly with just his arm, a newspaper and a hard Thwack. They require the money that you stole from Mr Stachiatello, in the all night high stakes game of Happy Families played at the Moonlight Casino. He knows you had stolen and hidden on your person the one card that would have made the happiest of families, Mr Bun the Baker. He is not happy’

Now this was all news to me. I could not remember ever being involved in a high stakes game of Happy families, in fact in my mind it had been a long time since I had played the game at all. It made no sense. I looked round. There were indeed two gorilla types hiding in the bushes. I could just about make out a set of drums, and the distant cockney wailing of Phil Collins.

This was all very strange. What was I going to do? How was I in this mess? It was at this point that as I looked at the velvet clad minstral, and stared into his eyes, I saw the glimpse of a face I knew. And as my eyes drifted over the man in front of me, for any confirmation of who this stranger was, there staring back at me, tucked in the top pocket of the over the top coat, was the smiling sadistic face of Mr Bun the Baker.

As the light hit the mans face again, I suddenly realised what was going on. What a fool I was. How had I let myself be taken for a ride like this? There in front of me, with a guiltish half smile on his oh so thin and angular face, was Alister McGowan, and it appeared once again he had been doing his big impression. This time it was a ‘Big Man’ impression.

‘Yes. It was me that entered the game in your name. It was the only way they would let me in’ said the lanky comedic voice master. This in itself was strange, as the entry rules must have been particularly low, but his very comment made me feel strangely superior. A feeling I didn’t altogether dislike. So I let it go. ‘ When I saw the flour dusted face of Bun, I just couldn’t resist. I didn’t think of the consequences’ he confessed.

Fantastic I thought “I am not really being followed then?” “Oh no” said Alastair “that is not the case at all, the danger I warned you about is real” “Oh crap” I cried “What is to become of poor old big man, how can they not tell the difference between us? Surely the height weight ratio is enough alone. Ok our hairlines might be similar, but apart from that, I just don’t get it.” “There is a way out of this scenario, just trust me and I will help you” I looked over at him sitting there in his velveteen robes that twinkle in his eye and I thought right big man lets do it lets put your life in the safe and ever changing hands of Mr McGowan.

Now this is where I made my fatal mistake, the reason that I have been missing off the pages of the web for such along long time is because the wonderful chameleon like creature ol’ Al got me signed up for the Foreign Legion!! And since that fateful day I have been parading the deserts and plains of a thousand lands. I have only just managed to make my escape via a ship load of cocoa beans being transported to the land of Brum and the Cadbury’s factory. Now getting out of there was an adventure in itself which I may just share with you one day.

12/12/03Oh dear, it's Bigman

Guess who’s back, back again.

In the words of Mike Williamson, HELLO!!

Finally it would appear to be that time of year again, when a new Bigman column is up. And here dear readers, it is.

Its been quite a while hasn’t it? Ahh well am sure you haven’t missed me too much, and if you have then I am very sorry, and I hope that you have not killed yourself, during the exceptionally long break, if you have I apologise, but lets face it if you were willing to kill yourself over this column, then its probably best you are now out of the gene pool.

So for all readers that are still alive; lets get busy with the fizzy, and crack on.

First up, lets discuss what has been going on in the land of Bigman, over the break. Well all in all its been quite an exciting few months. I have now attained my degree, a 2:1 in psychology, and so I am now officially Bigman Bsc. I have decided to utilise this degree in the best possible way, and so now have gone full time at Tesco, working all hours under the sun (and the moon), in order to be able to buy myself a new pair of pants once in a while. So with my life currently going exactly to plan, I couldn’t be happier. Anyway I feel that that is enough Bigman news for now, as I do not wish to provide you stalkers with any more clues to my whereabouts, its up to you to find me.

In terms of site promotion, I don’t think the last 12 months could have gone better. The first promotion action came in the summer with feverish campaigning at this year’s v festival. Once again stickers were the main ammo used by the foot soldiers, as well as copious amounts of Budweiser bought with strange vouchers. If there was a festival goer who did not have a sticker on them, then I didn’t see them. It was quite an impressive sight, one that will go down in jimmy folklore. Unfortunately due to a sever underestimate of the combined size of three of our chief promoters (Namely me, webmaster and Roadkill), the nights sleep was not a good one, which ensured the weekend ended on a rather low note. After a failed attempt of three of us sleeping in a 1 man tent, I was forced to see out the rest of the night in a reclined sun lounger in a garden shed, where I made full use of its many amenities (a bottle), and was rudely awoken at an ungodly hour, by a gaggle of young children staring in the shed window, presumably thinking I was the latest addition to the tweenies.

More exciting was the recent trip up to Newcastle and Durham. Unbelievably some ra-ra radio presenters going by the names of Leo and Dave (Leo-an owl, Dave- a scunthorpeonion), found the site, and for some strange reason seemed to think that it was worthy of some airtime on Durham’s world famous Purple FM 107fm. So after a mere hint of a telephone interview, we took this as an invitation and off we went up to Durham. After Leo and Dave got over the initial shock of seeing us on their doorstep, they were more than accommodating, taking us for a beer and showing us the wonderful sights of Durham, which included among other things, a river, over 67 bridges, and a coral bookies. I have to say that it is as you can tell from my vivid description a wonderful humour filled place.

Unfortunately the same cant be said regarding Newcastle. A dank miserable city, where the locals are worse. What unfriendly people. It would have been dangerous to campaign to heartily in this northeast hellhole, as I fear that the stickers could well have been shoved somewhere I certainly wouldn’t usually put a sticker. But still with Newcastle so close to Scotland, it is no real wonder that the salt of the earth Geordies have inherited some of the Scots more favourable charms.

Not all was lost in Newcastle, where after visits to the boobies bar, and then on to the badger bar, numerous star sightings were clocked up. First there was Mark Wright of Liverpool and Oxford fame, followed by a chance encounter with all 3 members of Busted. There was also a run in, and then run away from the honey monster.

The trip in general though was a particularly successful one, Leo and Dave seemed eager to promote the site in any way they could, and the interview seemed like a success, minus a few libellous comments, all was well. There was also the revelation that Dave had once made a clay model of jimmy’s chin, some thing which is currently in the trophy shop, as a base model for the new jimmy awards, which will be readily handed out at this years most prestigious awards ceremony, The Jimmy’s. to be held in Bramhalls in mid January. (Damn it I have just given another clue to you bastard stalkers).

Anyway I am off to prepare now for tomorrows Manchester Derby, and my 12 hour shift at Tesco (only another few months and those new pants will be mine!), but I will leave you with some words of wisdom to get you through the next few weeks till my next update (They should get more regular again, now I have nothing to do)………

1. Always think of jimmyhill.co.uk, make it your first port of call everyday.
2. Tell all your Friends about jimmyhill.co.uk, we need more hits
3. See The film Elf- Its Brilliant
4. Remember that by visiting the site you are now deeply ingrained in the site and its success depends on you. Feel part of the team.
5. Make t-shirts.
6. Make stickers.
7. Promote everywhere.
8. Don’t be worried or ashamed to help us. What goes around comes around. I guarantee that by helping us, your life will improve.
9. Stop Bloody Stalking me!!!

11/07/02 - Big Brother

Well after a particularly long time Jimmyhill.co.uk is up and running again!! And, thank the heavens, after an even longer period out, there is the wonder of a new Bigman column to immerse yourselves in as well!!!

After a considerably lengthy summer break from this column, I have been forced to return to work, by that slave driver of a Webmaster. Apparently all the commotion around the new columnist Craig's 'Musty Investigates' reports, and the constant updates have forced the Webmaster to assess the working levels and ethics of his more established columnists. And so I have taken it upon myself to prove to all of you out there that in terms of web site columnists I still am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!

As many of you will have noticed from the main front page, last weekend a jimmyhill.co.uk promotional trip to London took place. I must say that I found it a privilege to be involved with such a campaign, and although I know many of you Bigman fans will be disappointed not to see your favourite in many of the photographs, you can all take heart safe in the knowledge that I was there keeping a watchful eye on all the goings on, from behind the camera lens!!

Throughout the weekend spent down in London we managed to carry out all jimmyhill.co.uk objectives. We successfully managed to attach stickers to: Buckingham Palace, Harrods, Houses of Parliament and any other landmark you care to think of!! We also managed to attach stickers to many of the music lovers found around the Finsbury park area on Sunday (Yes that's right, at one of the oasis gigs that have already been labelled better than Knebworth!!). In a remarkable set of unfortunate circumstances we also found jimmyhill.co.uk being advertised and on full display at London's massive gay Mardi gras!! Which was a turn up for the books to say the least! (Oh how that image of a sixty year olds naked tattooed breasts still haunts me, brrrrr sends a shiver down the spine).

I consider that the weekend trip was a vast success, and may I take this opportunity to thank all those that helped in this campaign including The Victoria Thistle Hotel, Phil, Matt Villas, The other unknown twosome who accompanied us on Sunday, proudly displaying there jimmyhill.co.uk badges, The Villars family for a lunch which provoked feverish campaigning, and especially Granny Villars, for her words of advice before heading in to the Finsbury Park Area, and for the fact she has been on Bansai!!! I thank you all for making it such a success.

Apart from jimmymania, which has clearly taken hold of the country, the other big thing that seems to be filling up our morning papers is the new Big Brother, BB3. It is now that I introduce the next of the4 Bigman missions, and this is simply KEEP PJ IN THE HOUSE!! It is up to you now; we have only two days to act!! We have to vote as many times as possible between us, for Kate! PJ is by far the best choice to win the whole goddam thing let alone survive the eviction!! PJ is funny and is the only genuine person left in the house, who will not slag off others behind their backs, but instead will confront them direct, it will make a change for a normal bloke to win, rather than the Camp Irish and dwarfed Scouse Drivel that we have been served in the past!! So I leave you with this mission, and I will speak Soon

Well its that time again - Time for my new colomn regarding everythying that is currently goin on throughout this world!!As regular readers know (yep thats me, andy and ste), i try to update as often as possible, but due to one thing or another these updates only actually arrive when we are on holiday from uni- so this is my easter holidays edition.Ive got exams starting on the 30th of April so this colomn will not possibly be as long as it has been previuously, as i have got other things on my mind at the mo.

I notice that the site has had yet another change in appearance, and i have to say that the new front page does look better, although i do miss the old jimmy graphic!!

One thing i would like to say regarding the lance issue-still no update- However i took it upon myself to e-mail the real lance on behalf of all you lance fans!! The e-mail was a simpole request for the real lance to come and visit this site and give it a kind of seal of approval, and sign the guestbook!! Unfortunately no response- so if a number of you fans out there would like to help in this campaign, then just go to the official neighbours site and e-mail him!!!!!!!!! The more ther merrier! I believe though that we may have to change our angle of attack- and possibly go for the juggular that is Toadie!! So e-mail him aswellIm still trying to track down an official jimmy e-mail adress, unsuccessful as yet, but if any of you out there do know of one- dont be afraid to either e-mail him and let him know about the wonder that is jimmyhill.co.uk, or at least pass the address on to us here at the site.

Anyway im off again to do revision- Before my next colomn I would like each one of you to send a quick e-mail informing one person about this site- SPREAD THE WORD- especiallty about my colomn!!

Speak to you soon

Big Man

(25/3/01) - Is anyone actually out there?

Here I am sat at home on a rare saturday off work!! I have just forced myself to sit through an entire edition of football focus-Watching that fool Lawrenson and special guest Alan Curbishley??!!!??, try to muster up some footballing sense between them, UNBELIEVABLE!!!. Neither of these two are remotely in the same league as Sir Jimmy. I know that Jimmy was not on every week-But just the anticipation that he might be on, to give his pearls of wisdom used to be enough to book a day off work!! Nowadays my days off just seem to be wasted!!

Hope everyone reading this is impressed with the new look site-I am proud to say that this time I was part of the production-hence why the site is now looking remarkably good!!!.

I dont know if anyone out there agrees with me- but I feel that the lance area of the site needs to much larger and more important than how it is at the minute- e-mail the webmaster and let him know what you think, I'm sure he will be glad to hear from you- even if he does pretend that he is not. I also believe that Big Mans Views should be a bigger part of the site- with maybe even its own button on the main page(Hint,Hint-Andy)- what do you think- Definateley e-mail the webmaster about this one!!! (I will promise to update my page a lot more frequentl;y if I do get my own button!!)- Anyway time to go now- as I am off to a Feeder concert tonight- So got to get going- Ill let you know how it all went in next weeks BIg Mans Views

Se Ya Later!!

I am ashamed to admit that i visited Jimmyhill.Com today and can quite honestly say that it does not, in any way shape or form reach the stunning quality of this great site.

Jimmy has always been a hero of mine and now there is a site worthy of his name, as this page expands I hope that it will keep the adoring public up to date with the Jimmy news and facts, eg Jimmy is a member of the all England tennis club (at Wimbledon) and plays a doubles match every Monday morning. 

I also hope that this page will continue to get the exclusive Jimmy comments from world famous people. Anyway, gotta go, so catch more of my comments in next weeks 'Big Mans Views' by Dan.